I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize