I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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