She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
