my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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