does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
