Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Randomize
