You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
