I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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