Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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