Have you finally orgasmed yet?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dear god my vagina.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
