Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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