About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
