Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
