Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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