so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
