I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
