I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
