my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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