Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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