is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
