he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
