So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
