if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
