Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
