Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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