whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
