Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
