Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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