this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
