Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
