I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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