I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
