i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
