I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
