I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
