the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
