I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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