oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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