I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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