She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize