if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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