I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize