Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I woke up under a house in Key West
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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