Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
