Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Four minutes until I can fart!
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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