dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
