Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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