So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
