today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
