So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You pole danced in your parka.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
