I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
COCAINE IS GR8
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