i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
