I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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