OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
