Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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