Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
