im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
