6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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