if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
