I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
