I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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