It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
