I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
